dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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