ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
