So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
4 words: hood of his car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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