How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
