Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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