Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
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Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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