Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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