You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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