thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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