this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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