You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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