the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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