Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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