I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
