I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
