proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
