I got chris browned last night
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
