Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
