Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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