you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on