nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.