yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't