I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"