I'm eating all of the evidence.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.