did you get engaged???
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.