I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!