i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
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I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"