Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback