i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.