So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
