Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
