he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How's work?
Spinning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize