we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.