I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice