why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.