hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
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I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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