He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
