So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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