I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
