do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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