Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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