I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
