I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize