I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Someone shattered a urinal.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...