Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
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cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale