apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.