It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
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Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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