Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
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You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?