I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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