this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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