Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Found your dick twin last night
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
