someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
