Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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