so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?