last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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