I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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