i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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