Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
