Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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